


Alive

by crownedrooster



Category: Realm of the Elderlings - Robin Hobb, Tawny Man Trilogy - Robin Hobb
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Alternate Canon, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I can't write fluff, I had to get this scene out of my system, I'm so sorry Beloved, M/M, Non-native Writer, POV First Person, Self-Harm, Sexual Content, Trauma, angsty as hell, spoilers for Fool's Fate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-17
Updated: 2019-02-17
Packaged: 2019-10-30 08:27:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17825327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crownedrooster/pseuds/crownedrooster
Summary: Takes place towards the end of Fool’s Fate. After bringing Beloved back from the dead, Fitz takes them both back to Buckkeep castle and makes a heartbreaking discovery.





	Alive

**Author's Note:**

> /!\ Please mind the tags and proceed with caution /!\

‘Are you ready?’

‘I think so.’

I paused and looked him in the eyes, frowning slightly. ‘We don’t have to do this now. I don’t mind waiting some more.’

‘No, Fitz,’ the Fool answered. ‘I’m ready. Just do it. Please.’

Satisfied by the resolve I heard in his voice, I decided to comply. Reaching out with my hand, I touched the Skill pillar and whisked us away from Aslevjal.

\--

The Fool was not getting any better. I had hoped that taking him away from the Pale Woman’s lair would alleviate his fears and lighten his mood, but there had been no noticeable changes. Or at least, no changes that I could perceive. A month had passed since I had taken him back to Buckkeep castle. Following his request, I had installed him in an empty room accessible only through the secret corridors. Kettricken had arranged the chamber to his liking herself, with warm blankets, colourful tapestries and shelves of scrolls on different topics. To give him a sense of security, I slept on a pallet between his bed and the door. And yet, he still woke up every night, screaming or begging for his tormentors to finish him off. Hearing such words from him tore at my insides but I knew better than to tell him so. I could see that he was trying to put on a brave face when I was around, but his genuine smiles were scarce.

I often had matters to attend to during the day, and I detested having to leave him alone, even for just a few hours. He had asked me for a weapon to keep with him when I wasn’t there, so I had given him my knife, even though I suspected that the Pale Woman was already dead by now. But we didn’t know for sure and he was still afraid of her coming through a pillar to get to him.

He never left the room. I brought him his meals and filled the bathtub but he never agreed to go out with me. That, I could understand. He could hardly make his comeback as Lord Golden. His skin was very noticeably darker, and his days of torture had left their toll on his body and manners. But more than that, it was his new solemnity that I thought would betray him the most. As good an actor as he was, I don’t think that he could have reverted back to playing the extravagant nobleman, even if he had wanted to. I couldn’t help but getting more and more worried.

Today, Chade had asked me to run an errand for him, so that meant that I was going to be away from the Fool for the whole afternoon. I had told him that I would be back for supper. What was he going to do in the meantime? Wait for me to come back by the window, watching the waves crash against the cliffs? If he spent his whole day alone with his thoughts, it was no wonder that he wasn’t getting any better.. I had just passed the gates on my way to Buckkeep Town when I decided against going and turned back on my heels. Chade could wait, I would spent the afternoon with my friend and show him that he was more important to me. I smiled inwardly at that thought as I made my way through the castle.

I entered our chamber to find him deep asleep in his bed and the vision presented to me instantly warmed my heart. He was turned towards the window, the brown skin of his face basked in sunlight, making him look ethereal. His posture, however, was defensive. Curled up, he had wrapped his arms protectively around himself, quite in the same way as how I had found him in his cell only to realise that he was already dead. No, I couldn’t think about that. Chasing the painful memories away from my mind was getting easier now that we had left Aslevjal.

I saw my knife laying unsheathed next to him on the bed. I felt my jaw clench. So he did feel threatened when I wasn’t with him. I didn’t want to wake him up but I wasn't about to leave him either so I took off my coat and boots, and sat down beside his bed. I reached for the scroll that was lying on the floor but I stopped my hand halfway.

Blood.

There was definitely blood on the floor. I stood up swiftly and snatched the knife from the pillow. It was coated with blood on one side of the blade. My thoughts spiralled dramatically. The Fool wasn’t sleeping, he was hurt. Or dead. I felt dizzy and closed my eyes for a few seconds to steady myself.

He wasn’t dead, I could hear his slow breathing that indicated that he was deep asleep. He had always been a light sleeper, but that had changed too. Now, even my being here wasn't enough to wake him up. I stepped closer to him, unfolded one of his arms and carefully slid up his sleeve and turned up his wrist so that I could take his pulse.

I froze and stared in horror at what I saw. His wrist was covered in cuts, some of which were still bleeding slightly. Trembling with fear, I started to take hold of his other arm but that seemed to wake him up. His eyes popped open, staring through me without seeing me and he struggled frantically against my grip.

‘Fool, calm down! It’s me, Fitz!’ At my words, I saw recognition, and then relief come over his expression. Then, he saw me stare at his still visible wrist and all colour drained from his face.

‘What happened Fool?’ I asked, trying to keep the urgency from my voice, even though I was feeling anything but calm. He was here, alive and looking at me. Whatever had befallen him, it was gone.

‘I thought you were running some errands for Chade today,’ he recalled, as if that answered my question.

‘I decided against it. I went back to spend the afternoon with you and you were asleep. I saw blood on the floor and on the knife I gave you.’ I was rambling, aware of the panic that was rising inside me. ‘And, and you’re hurt Fool, and I don’t know how this happened. Please, I need to know what happened. Who did this to you?’

The Fool was staring at me, dumbfounded. ‘Fool, please!’ I pleaded. ‘I need to find the person who did this to you. And then I’m going to hurt them. How did they manage to find you? Did you fight back?’ I was speaking very fast and loud. I couldn’t understand how anyone could have traced the Fool back to Buckkeep castle. Was the Pale Woman still alive after all? Had she sent one of her minions to finish the job?

‘Fitz, calm down.’ The Fool was still looking at me nervously. He slid down his sleeve and held his wrist close again his chest. ‘No one did this to me,’ he announced.

I frowned, not sure that I had heard him right. ‘What do you mean no one did this to you? I saw the wounds, and-’

He sighed audibly, cutting me off. I heard him say something but it was too soft of a whisper for me to understand.

‘What did you say?’

‘Please, don’t make me say it,’ he repeated a tiny bit louder, and in such a desperate way that I was almost tempted to cede and let the matter go. But I couldn’t. ‘Fool, just tell me what happened, I don’t-.’

‘For Eda’s sake Fitz, I did this to myself.’

He jerked his head away from me and drew his knees up to his chest.

‘Please, try to understand.’ he said at the same moment when I was about to say that I didn’t. He was looking resolutely at the opposite wall, refusing to meet my gaze.

I paused and tried to make sense of his words. How could he have done it to himself? There was no way that these cuts were the result of a mere accident. Unless... A tomb-like cold swept through me. I did not even want to think of the possibility, but I had to ask. ‘Were you trying to kill yourself?’

He turned his head back to me and his gaze was so raw and sad that I almost couldn’t bear it. ‘No Fitz, I was just…’ His voice trailed away to nothing. I watched, horrified, as tears began to form in his eyes. He took his head in his hands, his hair veiling his face. In the next instant, I sat down next to him and took his crouched form in my arms, resting my head on top of his. I kept running my fingers through his soft hair, in an attempt to calm the sobs that were shaking him.

‘I’m so sorry Fitz,’ he broke down. I felt my own tears tears fall on my cheeks but made no sound to let him know I was crying too. Even I could understand that this wasn’t about me. I kissed the top of his head and arranged our position so that he was nestled more closely against my arms. He clutched me fiercely and I was yet again reminded of how he had done so during our first night at the market plaza, beyond the Mountain Kingdom. I was sensing the same kind of desperation from him now than I had then. I held him even harder.

‘I’m here Fool,’ I said softly into his hair. The numbness that had threatened to seize me when I understood that he had intentionally hurt himself was gone, replaced by an odd mixture of fear, grief, and a savage desire to protect and cherish the broken creature I held in my arms.

‘You must think me crazy,’ he whispered.

‘No, I don’t.’ I answered truthfully. I waited a few moments and added, ‘But I’d like to understand, if you wish me to.’

He sniffled and pulled away from my embrace, sitting back up.

‘In truth, I don’t even know what to tell you.’ He was fidgeting with a loose thread hanging from the hem of his trousers. ‘My body has healed well enough but my mind keeps taking me back to those days.’ I assumed he was talking about his torture at the Pale Woman’s hands and didn’t ask for confirmation. ‘Fitz, please don’t take this the wrong way but I don’t know if I would’ve wanted you to bring me back.’ His words were cautious, and his tone gentle, but it felt as if he had slapped me. ‘Ever since you… Ever since I came back, I feel empty. And I’m tired of being constantly afraid, and above all else, I don’t understand what I’m doing here. I’m supposed to be dead.’ I had not heard him talk that much since we had arrived at Buckkeep, so I didn’t dare contradict him. ‘A few weeks ago, when we were at Prilkop’s and you were both gone, I cut my finger peeling a fruit. I don’t know how to explain it but for the first time in days, I felt… alive.’ He paused for a few seconds, pondering what he was about to say next. ‘That tiny jolt of physical pain made me feel alive.’

I remained silent, trying to understand what he was talking about, but failing. The Fool was rubbing his hands together uncomfortably.

‘I know it sounds ridiculous, but feeling pain made it feel like I was more than a somehow moving corpse. Having my sight taken away from me… It’s frightening, Fitz. I have no idea what’s going to come next, or where I should go. It’s like being swept away at full speed by the flow of a river, while being blindfolded. I don’t know how you all do it.’ He said the last bit with a slight hint of his old jesting tone, but what he was telling me was so frightening that I could not even fake a smile. He spoke again, ‘When I… hurt myself, I think it makes me feel in control of my life again. I get to decide how much pain and when.’

He was looking at me earnestly, and I knew that he was begging for me to understand what he meant. A sudden thought came to me. ‘Then, my knife?’

He bowed his head in shame. ‘I’m sorry I had to ask that of you. There was nothing else I could use here.’

That hurt. Knowing that I had a part in this. I tried to steady my breathing. This time, the tears were flowing freely down my cheeks and there was nothing I could do to hide them, for the Fool had turned his gaze back to me.

‘Please don’t cry,’ he begged, anguish written all over his face.

But I couldn't help myself. ‘I’m sorry,’ I choked. I took him in my arms again, too aware of how fragile he was and thinking about what I would do if I lost him. Nothing. I couldn’t lose him, it was as simple as that.

‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry.’ I kept whispering into his hair. How could I have missed this? I knew how precarious my state of mind had been after Burrich had brought me back from the dead all those years ago. I remembered blaming him for forcing me back to life. I hadn’t been able to realize just how completely lost the Fool was. All his life, had been certain that he was going to die accomplishing his goal. Then, selfishly, I had brought him back, only wanting for things to get back to normal, for my old friend to be returned to me. Now, I knew that we would never get back to how things were before his death.

‘Fitz, stop apologizing,’ he said in a cracked whisper. ‘I don’t blame you.’ I hated the tiny spark of relief I felt upon hearing his words.

‘Will you..’ I hesitated, hoping that he would not take my request badly. ‘Will you let me heal you?’

The Fool became very still. I wished I could have seen his expression, but I was still holding him and his face was resting on my chest.

A few minutes passed and I was beginning to wish I had not asked that of him.

‘Alright.’

I had not expected this answer, but I was not about to complain. I carefully broke our embrace and positioned myself cross-legged in front of him. I took hold of both his wrists and let them rest on my knees, upturned. Very gently, I slid up his sleeves again. I felt dizzied by what I saw. Both his wrists were covered in cuts, some still bleeding and some old enough to see a bright red scar tissue starting to form. I swallowed the lump in my throat and sucked in a deep breath, trying to concentrate on the task at hand and not on the extent of his injuries. I raised my head to look at him but he was staring resolutely at the window, avoiding my gaze.

I caught his hand and pressed his silvered fingers to their matching prints on my own wrist.

Our connection was as intense as it was instantaneous. I had not thought it was possible but it felt like the long hours spent repairing his body had even deepened the link that had already been there. Entering his skin again felt like coming home.

I probed his body and was pleased to note how most of the damage from his torture had been replaced by sound flesh and solid bones. I pulsed through his veins and went in search of his latest injuries. I had feared that his tendons and nerves had been damaged but fortunately, his self inflicted cuts were shallow enough that I had no trouble closing and removing them entirely. There would be no scars or long-term effects. I winced when I found out that he had not limited the damage to his arms, but to his hips and stomach as well. I lovingly closed every single cut, one by one, making sure to let him sense where I was and what I was doing.

When I was finished, I reluctantly retreated back into my own body, feeling as if I was leaving a piece of me behind. The Fool was smiling softly at me.

‘Thank you.’

I nodded and lowered my gaze to look at the result of my Skill healing. Relief flooded through me when I saw that his fine wrists were bare of any sign of injury. I brought them up towards me, bowed my head and gave them each a light kiss. I heard him gasp, but he did not flinch.

‘You’re welcome.’  

He looked flustered and was staring at me quizzically, as if trying to understand something. ‘I-’ he started, but got cut off by a yawn. ‘Your healing has taxed me, I think I need some sleep.’ He hesitated before asking timidly. ‘Would you mind staying here?’

I did not even have to think about it. ‘Of course, Fool. Rest for as long as you want, I’ll stay right here,’ I said, moving to the other side of the bed.

He gave my hands a slight press of gratitude, examined his wrists with wide eyes and stretched. Then, he slipped under the covers, facing away from me. It did not take long for him to fall asleep. I sat still, listening to his steady breathing. I was pleasantly surprised that he had let me heal him, but I was still horrified by what I had discovered. What’s more, I thought, given how private the Fool had always been, I might have never found out about this, had I not cancelled my afternoon plans. I had to be more careful. I felt sleep coming upon me as well and realised that the Skill healing had demanded more of me than I had previously thought. Was he going to do it again? Would he make sure to hide it more thoroughly so that it wouldn’t pain me? I couldn’t lose him again. But what could I do? How could I make him feel alive? Despite these troubling thoughts, my weariness got the better of me, and I dozed off.

\--

I woke up to something soft tickling my face. I opened an eye and it took me a while to find my bearings. I had fallen asleep and somehow, I was under the covers. Certainly the Fool’s doing. He was sleeping with his back to me, and of one of my arms was slung over his waist, holding him securely against me. My face was buried in his hair, hence the tickling. My Skill awareness of him told me that he was already awake. I blindly reached for his hand, found it and laced our fingers together, sighing in contentment.

‘I love you.’

His murmur had been so soft that I figured he had not intended for me to hear it. But I had.

I was about to answer but my throat closed from the surge of emotions that suddenly overwhelmed me, preventing me from telling him how I felt.

Not really thinking about what I was doing, I unlaced our fingers, slid my hand beneath his shirt, and started to rub circles on the soft new skin of his back. I heard his breath hitch.

As if entranced, I continued my exploration on his hips and stomach. When I reached his navel, he made a strangled noise and I suddenly realized what I was doing.

I froze. He probably sensed my hesitation and I felt his body tense as well.

Neither of us said a word. He was probably waiting for me to get up and leave the room. But that was the last thing I felt like doing. So I did the first thing I felt like doing. If I could not manage to tell him that I shared his feelings, I could still show him.

Gently, I turned him to face me. He was staring at me intently and I found myself unable to decipher his expression. Cupping his face, I drew my own closer to his, making my intentions clear and giving him time to withdraw. He didn’t. I put my lips on his own and kissed him tenderly. I did not want to scare him away, so it was a light, gentle brush of my mouth against his.

He had not backed away from the kiss. But he had not reciprocated it either. Confused, I drew back to look at him and my heart sank as I noticed the sadness in his eyes.

‘Sorry, I didn't mean to-’ I started

‘Fitz, don’t apologize,’ he said, cutting me off. ‘But… You don’t have to do this for me. I know that you would do anything to make me feel better right now, but I also know you do not want this.’

He had lowered his gaze, like he was ashamed. I placed a finger over his mouth to keep him from talking. After what I had discovered earlier in the afternoon, I did want to make him feel better, but what I had just done had nothing to do with that.

‘Yes, I do.’

He looked back at me, dazed. I lifted his hand and kissed his knuckles one by one, keeping our eyes locked. His brows were slightly furrowed, as if he was looking for something in my expression.

He seemed to reach a decision and, slowly raising himself up on his elbow, started to trace the outline of my face with one slender finger, hovering over my brow, nose and mouth. He brushed my lower lip, prompting my mouth to open slightly. That seemed to trigger something inside him and the change in his mood was almost physically palpable. Grabbing the back of my head to bring me closer, he crashed his lips onto mine and kissed me deeply. I could not suppress the moan that escaped my throat. The kiss I had given him had been chaste and feathery. This one had an almost frantic desperation in it. I sensed his tongue urgently probing my waiting lips and I offered him passage. I let him explore my mouth, each swipe of his tongue sending shivers down my spine. I couldn’t believe this was happening, but I found myself unable to form a coherent thought amidst the surge of sensations that our kiss was eliciting inside me. The only thing I knew for sure was that I needed more.

I pushed the Fool on his back, lowering myself over him. He gripped my shirt tightly, trying to bring our bodies even closer together. I moved my attention to his jaw and neck, kissing and biting his sensitive skin, and I reveled in his short answering gasps. Reaching the collar of his cotton shirt, I undid the first few buttons to ghost my lips over his collarbone.

‘Fitz,’ he whimpered, and hearing my name fall from his lips in such a needy way made me shudder with desire. Raising up, I took off my own shirt with trembling hands.

There was wonder in the Fool’s eyes as he splayed his hands across my chest. I recalled that he had called me handsome on several occasions and I found myself hoping that he still thought so.

I undid the rest of his buttons and spread his shirt open, revealing his bare chest. The sun was not down yet and I was glad for the evening glow that allowed me to see him clearly. I liked how his new complexion made our skin look almost alike, although mine was still even darker. His long hair was spread out on the pillow, framing his delicate features like a halo. He was beautiful. I lowered myself over him again, holding myself up on shaky arms to avoid crushing him. I had to suck in a breath when I felt how cold he was and arranged the covers more tightly around him.

Then, I pressed my body flush against his, which caused the Fool to gasp and look at me with wide eyes. I quickly realized why and blushed furiously. Of course, there was no way he hadn’t noticed the arousal that was straining painfully inside my trousers and against his thigh. I became aware of a similar reaction from him and swallowed hard.

Arching upwards, the Fool captured once again my lips between his. I slid one arm under him and ran my hand along his side to rest on the hem of his trousers. I broke our kiss and drew back slightly, looking inquiringly at him and silently asking for permission. Shaking his head, the Fool removed my hand from his hip, bringing it back to my side. My shoulders slouched. I had hoped that he would allow us to continue further.

‘Do you want me to stop?’

‘What? No, of course not. But I need to ask…’ He sounded embarrassed and shifted his head sideways to avoid staring at me. ‘Do you… Would you happen to carry some oil in one the many vials you hide your pockets?’

I thought about it. ‘Well yes, poppyseed oil makes for a great fire starter, but why do you-’ I cut myself off when I saw the knowing look he was giving me. Oh. My heart started to pound louder inside my chest. ‘Well,’ I continued, flustered, ‘Just, just let me fetch it.’ I got up and reached for the inside pocket of my coat, feeling a bit thick for not having understood his meaning right away. When I came back to the bed, the Fool had taken his shirt off and was sitting up with his back resting against the wall. Looking at me with an amused glint in his eyes, he motioned for me to join him. I sat down in front of him and handed him the small vial with trembling hands. He seemed to inspect the label and nodded to himself. He raised his gaze and looked at me seriously.

‘Fitz, are you sure that you want this?’ he asked, all trace of mischief gone from his expression.

‘I want this.’ I asserted.

He took the lead and reached forward, pulling on the laces of my trousers and pushing them down my hips. My eyes rolled back when he finally took me into his hands. He started with slow strokes, as if to assess what I liked best, and it was only clumsy for a short time. That surprised me, but I recalled him telling me that he was no stranger to this kind of intimacy. I wondered with a pang who his former partners had been, but I soon found that I highly disliked imagining him getting intimate with anyone else. But there was no use thinking about this when I was having him all for myself.

He was looking at me with eyes clouded with desire, and I quickly reached inside his trousers. His mouth fell open and the muffled cry he made when I took hold of him made the blood roar in my ears. At some point, he took some oil in his hand and rubbed it over me, but I was too focused on the sensations I felt to really pay attention. I leaned forward and pressed our brows together, trying to keep a steady rhythm but sensing that my muscles were already starting to tense.

The Fool made a small sound of protest when I stopped but I silenced him with a kiss. I stood and kicked off my trousers, feeling a sharp spike of desire from the heated gaze the Fool gave me. I got back up on the bed and got him to lie down to pull off his trousers entirely. Gently, I rolled him over on his belly. I knew that the sight of him, lying bare and waiting for me, would be forever seared onto my brain.

I positioned myself against his entrance, a shiver running down my spine.

‘Fitz?’ His soft call jolted me out of my stupor. The Fool had turned his head and he was looking at me with half-lidded eyes.

‘You don’t want this?’ I asked, hoping I was not overstepping any kind of boundary for him.

‘Yes I do. Just, go slow please,’ he breathed, biting his lower and lip, unaware of how seductive that made him look.

I nodded and, satisfied, he rested his head back on the pillow.

I started to push into him, very gently. The Fool had to bury his head in his pillow to stifle his moans so I paused to give him time to adjust. I was still halfway out but the sensations were already maddening. It felt so tight and good that I had the fight the savage urge to just thrust into him. I sensed him buck his hips towards me, urging me to continue. I complied readily, burying myself deeper until my entire length was into him. He cried out and clenched the sheets in his fists. I gently massaged his lower back, waiting for him to relax and get used to me.

When I was certain that he had, I pulled almost all the way out of him and slammed back deep inside him. The cry we both made must have been loud enough for people to hear us all the way to Buckkeep town. I couldn’t care less. My body drowned in pleasure as I pulled in and out of him, a pleasure heightened by the knowledge that the Fool, for whom privacy had always been an obsession, was offering himself to me.

After some time, he raised himself up on his knees and elbows, allowing for more freedom of movement and giving me access to other parts of him I had been neglecting. I took him in my hand again, never stopping the steady pace of my thrusts. I would have never thought that I would end up like this, giving in to carnal desires with the man I had always considered my best friend. Unsurprisingly, I realised that my prejudices had been shattered alongside with my inhibitions.

I sensed that I was getting closer to my release, and judging from his desperate moans, I knew that the Fool was too. My rhythm became more and more erratic. I dropped the hand that was holding the Fool to grip both his hips and I pounded hard into him. I seemed to hit a particular spot that made him go limp, writhing and begging for me to continue. Hearing the obscene pleas that escaped his mouth made me fall apart and my climax took me. I was distantly aware of the Fool’s body tensing, and of a loud wail that could have been his, or mine. Or both.

Spent, I collapsed next to him, enfolding him in my arms and holding him close. Shudders were still shaking him and he looked so frail that I wondered how he had managed to take it. Still trying to calm the frantic rhythm of my pulses, I gave him a loose and sloppy kiss. I wanted that, and more with him, for the rest of my life. _No limits._ Reality seemed to rearrange itself around me.

‘How do you feel?’ I asked.

He gave me a true smile, one I hadn’t seen adorn his face in a long, long time. He answered.

‘Alive.’


End file.
